Life, Law, Gender

Moments of loss

We put up our tree last weekend, but only began decorating it this week.  It's a beautiful tree; I'll post a picture of it when it's finished.

As we were going through our boxes (and boxes!) of ornaments, nearly all of which were the Girl's from her previous life, I felt a terrible pang of loss.

This loss is something that I am generally able to keep in check; I assign a spot in my heart for it, and I am usually successful in keeping that spot under lock and key.  But, last night, it escaped.  I've been in 3 significant relationships since I got out of the Navy at 21 years old.  In each relationship, we accumulated special ornaments that commemorated some event, or activity or memory.  Most especially, of course, were ornaments that were either gifts from my children or represented special moments in their lives.

I have NONE of those.  In each relationship, my former partner got all of that; indeed, everything that might have the slightest sentimental value.  In fact, if you look at my *stuff*, I have very little that suggests that I didn't simply spring into existence in March of 2004.  When I moved to Michigan, I brought along a small (the smallest they make) U-Haul trailer that wasn't even full.

Why don't I have any of that stuff?  I know it's just stuff, and I know that no one can take away my good memories, but still -- I miss it sometimes.  Like now.  ::sniff::

Happy Thanksgiving

As always, I have so much to be thankful for this year.  However, I'm not going to bore you all with a list -- most of the extraordinary events of this past year have been posted on the blog as they occurred.

Instead, I offer my sincere wish that you each pause and take inventory of the things you have to be thankful for and enjoy this special holiday.  My love to you all.

Happy 75th, Mom!

Today, my mother turns 75! 

Happy Birthday, Mom!!!

We love you.

Last weekend, my two sisters, my youngest daughter, my spouse and I all flew into Tampa airport and descended upon my mom for a surprise birthday party. Plus, my middle daughter and her fiancé came up to join the party.  You should have seen the look on her face, it was priceless. 

I've told you before, but I'll tell you again:  You're the greatest, Mom.  The absolute greatest.

Reflecting on my Marriage

[UPDATE] - Just two days after I posted this, my spouse and I did actually run into a practical effect of Michigan's hateful constitutional amendment that bans recognition of our relationship "for any purpose". We attempted to transfer the title of one of our vehicles into our joint name and were told by the clerk at the Secretary of State's office that "Michigan does not recognize your marriage" and therefore we were unable to do so without paying a title transfer tax that married couples are exempt from. It seems a small thing -- but it really angered me. Observant readers will notice a recurring theme in this, my final paper for my Sex Equality class.

Reflecting on My Marriage

            Nearly a year ago, I married the love of my life in Windsor, Ontario.[1]  I had been in a “traditional” marriage before, playing the traditional role of husband, father, and breadwinner.  This new union, however, would be anything but that; no husband or wife (or facsimile thereof), no defined roles or dominant positions, no expectations regarding who does what.[2]  While we fully understood and appreciated the feminist objections to the institution of marriage -- principally its historical function as a vehicle to perpetuate the subordination of women -- we nevertheless made a conscious decision to solemnize our commitment to one another through that very institution, transforming it in the process. 

            By being legally married (as distinguished from having a commitment ceremony, being civilly united, domestically partnered, etc.), we unambiguously declared the nature of our relationship using the vernacular of our society; we bound ourselves together in the same ways – emotionally, physically, legally, financially – and intending the same consequences that all other married couples do.  Our marriage was not intended to be a political statement (although it has been celebrated as such), but instead a true expression of who we are to each other.

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[1] We choose to marry in Windsor because Canadian law permits same-sex marriage, and our marriage license application indicated we are both “F”, just as our passports and drivers licenses do.

[2] In our marriage, allocation of responsibilities is based on our complementary personal likes and dislikes, rather than some preconceived notion of who is “supposed to” perform some task.  For example, I admit to a disinclination to manual labor that, luckily, my spouse does not share. She, on the other hand, has an aversion to doing dishes, which I have managed to overcome.

Pumpkin carving

Last night we did our annual pumpkin carving with "the group" (a group of women that my Girl has been friends with for the past 20+ years). 

The woman with the pumpkin on her head is, I'm afraid to admit, my darling spouse. ::sigh:: And, she tells me that I'm the silliest.

Her pumpkin is the cat face; mine is the witch and the cauldron.

Goodbye, Sweet Lady

Our 16 year old Cocker Spaniel, Lady (short for "3 cats and a little Lady") has been a puppy all of her life.  When I would get out of bed, she would bound ahead of me, barking and bouncing, so full of joy and life it could not help but bring a smile to your face. 

Yesterday, she followed The Girl (who got her as a small puppy) up and down stairs, and in and out of the house as the Girl worked on building a wheelchair ramp for my mom's visit this weekend.  Last night, she simply collapsed.  A couple of hours later (about midnight) she vomited large amounts of blood and tissue.  She made it through the night, fitfully.  This morning, she pee'd blood.  We took her into the vet's and had her put down.

I've never known a more loving, a more sweet dog.  I am grief stricken and so sad -- and I've only known her for 13 months.

Good-bye Sweet Lady.  You will be remembered, and sorely missed.

Freedom

Our country is spectacularly beautiful and I’ve been to 44 of the states within it. While traveling home from Washington DC this past weekend, it occurred to me again how wonderful it is to live in this country and be able to travel from state to state without checkpoints or having to demonstrate why you are where you are (remember the line from the Hunt for Red October when the Executive Officer of the Russian submarine expresses awe at that ability?).  But, my patriotism was tainted by a nagging feeling that I couldn’t put my finger on.

As the Girl and I hiked through magnificent Shenandoah National Forest, enjoying the beauty of the countryside and the wildlife (we saw hawks, and deer and my first ever in-the-wild black bear!) I twice came close to requiring medical assistance. First, as we hiked back up a long, steep trail I experienced shortness of breath and a pain in my left arm. We both knew that those could be symptoms of a heart attack. Later, being stupid, I fell as we were climbing some rock formations. As it turned out, of course, I didn’t have a heart attack and all I did was scrape the palms of my hands when I fell. But, we were in Virginia. What would have happened if I needed emergency medical attention and I was unconscious? Would they have let her make medical decisions on my behalf? Would it matter that The Girl had a copy of our marriage license in her wallet?  Would it have mattered that my last name and hers were the same (I changed my last name a couple of weeks ago – hyphenated it to include her last name into mine)? Thankfully, we didn’t have to find out.  But, there is no shortage of stories of couples who are denied that ability.

In a handful of states, gay and lesbian couples are allowed to enter into either marriage or civil unions that ostensibly provide them with all the state-sanctioned rights and obligations of heterosexual marriage.  As we were traveling, that nagging feeling finally crystallized into the thought that among the various benefits denied to same-sex married (or civilly united) couples is the loss of that legal relationship and accompanying protections as couples travel state-to-state.  In the end, this seems to me to be one of the most hateful results of the Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA) and the so-called mini-DOMAs passed by various states.  In our own state of Michigan a constitutional amendment was passed two years ago (the infamous Proposition 2) that said “the union of one man and one woman in marriage shall be the only agreement recognized as a marriage or similar union for any purpose.” It’s that last phrase – “for any purpose” – that is problematic.  That language is being used to remove insurance protections for gay and lesbian families and children. Can you believe that the Christian right has actually filed lawsuits (two, so far) to require state-funded institutions to stop providing insurance to domestic partners and their children based on this amendment?  How hateful is that? The consequences of denying protections to individuals and families as they travel is, as yet, undocumented.  I fear it will require tragic circumstances to ultimately cause the courts to step in and right these wrongs.

OK, I have much more to say about this, but it’s Friday morning and my Girl and I are headed to Denver, this morning, for 3 days to visit family (my sisters and her brother) and then up to Yellowstone for 4 days. I still have some last minute packing to do. Expect no more posts for about 8 days. I hope all of you are having a great summer and that none of my LGBT readers provide the test case that ultimately challenges the inequities foisted upon us by the hate-filled political right.

My summer comes to a close

OK, so today is my last day as a legal intern here in Washington DC.  I've enjoyed the work, but I learned something unexpected.  I learned that I have a personally very difficult time dealing with stupidity and bigotry every day.  I came to law school because I wanted to do LGBT civil rights law.  Now, I'm not so sure.  I don't know if I can look into the eyes of injustice every day.  I'm a generally very happy person.  To see people fired, lose everything they've worked hard to build for no other reason than blind bigotry just makes me sad.  And, as I told Donna, I don't like to be sad.

Still, at the end of the day, I know I did some good.  I know I gave good advice to the clients with whom I spoke and I know I inched this cause forward, if but a tiny bit.  I just don't know.  Can I really do this type of work? 

What do I want to be when I grow up?

My Girl comes in this afternoon and we pack up the apartment and head for home, via the Shenandoah National Park. We're going to take an extra day headed home to do some sightseeing in this country.   The road is 105 miles long, 35 miles per hour, and has 75 scenic overlooks.  We'll take all day to enjoy it.  Sunday will be a full day driving back to Michigan.

It will be so good to be back together again.  Despite seeing her every single weekend of this summer, it was a decision I would make differently if I had it to do over again.  As has become my habit of late, there will be no posting over the next couple of days and it will be sparse for the week following.  Thank you to all of you who still check up on me, despite the dearth of daily updates.

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to Mom and Augie!  33 years (at least I think that's right).

In an odd coincidence today also marks the first anniversary of the first kiss between my Girl and me. :-)

A prediction

My Girl has come up with an idea for our contest.  We are going to have two trophies made -- one for tennis and one for golf.  Each September, sometime near Labor Day, we will hold our own personal Golf and Tennis Tournament and the winner will have her name inscribed on the trophy.  Tennis will be decided by a 3 set match and golf by playing 18 holes.  We picked September to give us the summer for preparation and tune-up.

I predict that we will each win our respective sport's trophy in this first year -- as it should be.  I will win the tennis trophy, she will win the golf.  No biggie in that prediction.  But check back next year:

BOTH trophies will bear MY name! :)

Happy Birthday, Barb!

My baby sister is 47 today!  Happy Birthday!  I'll see you in just under one month!

Moms and Mothers-in-Law

My mom sent me an email last night, rightfully complaining that she does not know what's up in my life now that I'm working in DC.  I used to call her practially daily when I commuted to work or school, but now I take the Metro and it's mostly underground where I can't call.  Plus, as you may have noticed, my blogging has been both sporadic and less personal in the past month.  So, she feels left out.  I don't blame her; I've been a bad daughter.  So, this post is just purely personal stuff, primarily aimed at one of my favorite readers -- Hi Mom!!! (and you should drop a comment here and say hi to her too)

The Girl and I have worked out our schedule of trips for the remaining portion of the summer.  I went back there last weekend and I'm going this weekend as well -- 4 full days and 5 nights, woohoo!!!  This will be a very interesting visit.  The Girl's mom will be visiting the entire time I'm out there (today is her 81st birthday  -- happy birthday Mom-in-law!!!).  It will be the first time I've seen her, since The Girl told her we're married.  I shouldn't be nervous as I know she likes me, but I am!  Don't expect much blogging over that long holiday weekend.

We'll then trade off the following two weekends (here then there) and then she'll come here two weekends in a row, with the final weekend for us to pack up the apartment and move back (YAY!!!).  That means I'll be back home on 7/29.  We're going to take a week off and just chill at home (much needed rest from travel) and then -- we're headed to Denver to visit with family for a couple of days. We'll spend a weekend at my sister's and have dinner with her eldest brother (with whom she's not been out to and hasn't spoken in a couple of years, so it'll be interesting).  After that, in a (perhaps) foolish bid on my part to introduce The Girl to one of the country's natural wonders, we're driving to Yellowstone where we'll spend 3 days before flying back home.

I'll get back in time to rest for a weekend before taking the short course I've signed up for (again, hoping I get in!), a two week mini-course that follows that (necessary for us summer starters to meet some weird ABA rule) and then fall semester starts.

OK, that's my remaining summer in a nutshell.

I've done NO partying or sightseeing or anything here in DC during the week.  I go to work and then I come home and sit and talk with The Girl until it's time to go to bed.  Well, I did get to meet a couple of fellow bloggers for dinner a few weeks back -- that was cool.  Otherwise, I've been pretty boring.  Until last night.  Last night I went to a club called "DC Eagle" for "Dyke Night" (it's normally a men's leather bar). I stayed until about 11:00 PM when the place was just full of women; it was fun, especially after a couple of my friends from law school showed up.

Oh, and I know you'll be interested in this: I got my hair cut yesterday; it's now back to shoulder length (I had a bit over 2" taken off), or about the length it was in the new picture on this page.

Finally, I've been generally unaffected by the storms here in DC with the exception that commuting on the Metro has become nightmarish.  Yesterday, I gave up and just drove into work.  Let's just hope the forecast for more rain today proves false!

That is all.  We now return to our regularly scheduled (OK, not so much) blogging....

She's Out!

As I have mentioned before, my Girl has never come out to her mom, hence she's never told her about us getting married. This is a recap of a conversation we had on the phone last night:

Me:  Hi, Girl, how'd your day go?
Her: Are you drunk?
Me:  Well, just a little (I had text messaged her to let her know that I'd had 3 glasses of wine at the NLGLA table at last night's DC Bar Association annual dinner (they tell me that the new president-elect is an openly gay man; pretty cool!)).
Her: OK, I'm going to give you a few minutes to sober up because I'm in the middle of telling my mom about our wedding.
Me:  Holy shit!  OK.  I love you.
Her:  I love you, too.

Later:

Her:  I don't have time to tell you everything tonight, but suffice it to say that it went very well and mom wants to know if she can now call you "daughter".  I said yes.

Woohoo!!!!

Father's Day

First and foremost, allow me to wish my step-dad, Augie, a happy Father's Day.  As I have reported in the past, he is an exceptional individual, a loving and caring man and I'm proud (and damn lucky!) to have him in my family.

Next, I'd like to wish a happy Father's Day to all my blog readers (men and women) who identify as dads.

Finally, I want to make this all about me.

Father's Day is always an interesting day for me and causes me to endure deep emotional swings.  On the one hand, of course, I reflect upon my children and am so proud I could pop (c'mon now, I know it's not the best pun ever, but ya gotta give me one, once in a while).  All three of my daughters will graduate college this year.  All 3!!!  I helped them as best as I was able financially and emotionally, but they deserve most of the credit.  They all got scholarships that covered at least their tuition and they all worked while in school (related post: Entitlement Generation).  Two of them already have jobs lined up for after graduation and the third has been accepted for grad school at one of the premier programs for her field in the country.

On the other hand, I really miss them.  They are of an age now when they don't need their parents as much as they used to. They have lives now that demand their complete attention.  So, I hear from them infrequently.  The two younger ones used to maintain blogs as a way of helping me to keep up with them, but their lives have gotten so hectic that they don't even do that anymore (who am I to bitch about that -- I've been posting so sporadically this past month for the same reason).

And, of course, my readers all understand the deep wound in my heart by having had my oldest child reject me completely, telling me I was no longer her father and no longer allowed in her life.  It does not matter how thoroughly I understand the trials she's faced or the space from which she's coming.  Sometimes, it's just all about me.  And, during those times, I miss her so badly that I cry inconsolably.  Father's Day is one of those days for me.

Trans folk lose people, loved ones, from their lives all the time.  I am not unique in this.  People feel betrayed, let down.  Someone they thought they knew turns out to be different than they imagined and it's just too much for them to bear.  But knowing that I'm not alone in this loss makes it no easier.  Indeed, if anything, it makes is worse. 

I cry out that I am still me, I am still your father, my love for you has not changed (and it never will).  But my cries are unheard.  One never recovers from the loss of a child.  I am just grateful that she is still alive and thriving and grateful for her sisters and for the periodic updates they give me on her. 

I love you, my children.

Our first ... argument

It's been one year since I first met The Girl.  What a fabulous year it's been.  I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have her in my life.  I was not unhappy living alone (something which prior to that I wasn't sure I could ever do) but being with her makes my heart sing.

Last night, we had our first ever disagreement or argument or fight or whatever.  It was the first time we didn't see something eye-to-eye in our relationship where one (or both) of us had hurt feelings.  I'm so glad that we are enough alike that we both apologized and said what was necessary to make it all better.

I'm a very happy, very lucky woman.