Life, Law, Gender

Moms and Mothers-in-Law

My mom sent me an email last night, rightfully complaining that she does not know what's up in my life now that I'm working in DC.  I used to call her practially daily when I commuted to work or school, but now I take the Metro and it's mostly underground where I can't call.  Plus, as you may have noticed, my blogging has been both sporadic and less personal in the past month.  So, she feels left out.  I don't blame her; I've been a bad daughter.  So, this post is just purely personal stuff, primarily aimed at one of my favorite readers -- Hi Mom!!! (and you should drop a comment here and say hi to her too)

The Girl and I have worked out our schedule of trips for the remaining portion of the summer.  I went back there last weekend and I'm going this weekend as well -- 4 full days and 5 nights, woohoo!!!  This will be a very interesting visit.  The Girl's mom will be visiting the entire time I'm out there (today is her 81st birthday  -- happy birthday Mom-in-law!!!).  It will be the first time I've seen her, since The Girl told her we're married.  I shouldn't be nervous as I know she likes me, but I am!  Don't expect much blogging over that long holiday weekend.

We'll then trade off the following two weekends (here then there) and then she'll come here two weekends in a row, with the final weekend for us to pack up the apartment and move back (YAY!!!).  That means I'll be back home on 7/29.  We're going to take a week off and just chill at home (much needed rest from travel) and then -- we're headed to Denver to visit with family for a couple of days. We'll spend a weekend at my sister's and have dinner with her eldest brother (with whom she's not been out to and hasn't spoken in a couple of years, so it'll be interesting).  After that, in a (perhaps) foolish bid on my part to introduce The Girl to one of the country's natural wonders, we're driving to Yellowstone where we'll spend 3 days before flying back home.

I'll get back in time to rest for a weekend before taking the short course I've signed up for (again, hoping I get in!), a two week mini-course that follows that (necessary for us summer starters to meet some weird ABA rule) and then fall semester starts.

OK, that's my remaining summer in a nutshell.

I've done NO partying or sightseeing or anything here in DC during the week.  I go to work and then I come home and sit and talk with The Girl until it's time to go to bed.  Well, I did get to meet a couple of fellow bloggers for dinner a few weeks back -- that was cool.  Otherwise, I've been pretty boring.  Until last night.  Last night I went to a club called "DC Eagle" for "Dyke Night" (it's normally a men's leather bar). I stayed until about 11:00 PM when the place was just full of women; it was fun, especially after a couple of my friends from law school showed up.

Oh, and I know you'll be interested in this: I got my hair cut yesterday; it's now back to shoulder length (I had a bit over 2" taken off), or about the length it was in the new picture on this page.

Finally, I've been generally unaffected by the storms here in DC with the exception that commuting on the Metro has become nightmarish.  Yesterday, I gave up and just drove into work.  Let's just hope the forecast for more rain today proves false!

That is all.  We now return to our regularly scheduled (OK, not so much) blogging....

Pride - and - Prejudice

Pride Month is coming to a close.  My travel schedule was such that I missed the two Pride festivals that I really hoped to attend -- DC's and Detroit's. :(  Still, last weekend, The Girl and I managed to attend Lansing's PrideFest.  It's a small event, but I went to it last year and I really enjoyed it again this year (although I didn't get as much play time since I worked at the Triangle booth this year).  The weather was fantastic (unlike here in DC where we are again under a flash flood watch this morning!).

At the entrance to the festival there was a group of Christian evangelicals with bullhorns telling all who would listen how we sodomities were headed for hell. They looked silly, and I say this knowing how silly some people think we look.  I stood there for a moment and watched them and finally just laughed at them, and walked off.

Apparently, in St. Petersburg, this past weekend was also their Pride festival.  The St. Pete Times reports on it here.  One key difference was that the protesters (all 5 of them) were allowed to march through the middle of the festival with their signs and their bullhorns spreading their message of love:

“You're a sodomite! You're filthy! You need Jesus Christ!” yelled a 23-year-old evangelist who would not give his name or occupation.

He called himself “John the Baptist,” and kept preaching even after someone threw a drink on him. Ice cubes sat melting on his shoulders.

“You probably have AIDS. Is that why you're so small?” he yelled at a gay man.

The crowd reacted by hurling expletives and drinks at the protestors.  No actual fights broke out (the 5 protestors were, mercifully, protected by 8 policemen) and no arrests were made.

But, a question raised by some is: how should we react to such activities? 

Naming Queer relationships

What do you call your same-sex partner?  Does it matter if your union is state-sanctioned?  Religiously-sanctioned?  Does the term "partner" capture it?  What about "spouse"?  Do the terms "wife" or "husband" have any role in same-sex relationships?  Is "girl- (or boy-) friend" adequate?

I introduced The Girl as "my wife" to someone recently, and I got a card addressed to "My Wife" from her earlier (Valentine's Day, I think) and I've heard many queer people refer to their partners as "husbands" or "wives".  But that language seems so heteronormative to me (and to The Girl). I'm not satisfied that "girl-friend" captures the essence of our relationship or our commitment to each other.  We've pretty much adopted the gender-neutral term "spouse".  But, of course, that often leads to confusion or more protracted discussion than is really necessary ("no, not my husband -- my spouse"). We live in a heteronormative, patriarchial society; I don't think there is much question about that, as a general rule.  Hence, our language is so molded.

So, what language do we employ?  Does it matter?

She's Out!

As I have mentioned before, my Girl has never come out to her mom, hence she's never told her about us getting married. This is a recap of a conversation we had on the phone last night:

Me:  Hi, Girl, how'd your day go?
Her: Are you drunk?
Me:  Well, just a little (I had text messaged her to let her know that I'd had 3 glasses of wine at the NLGLA table at last night's DC Bar Association annual dinner (they tell me that the new president-elect is an openly gay man; pretty cool!)).
Her: OK, I'm going to give you a few minutes to sober up because I'm in the middle of telling my mom about our wedding.
Me:  Holy shit!  OK.  I love you.
Her:  I love you, too.

Later:

Her:  I don't have time to tell you everything tonight, but suffice it to say that it went very well and mom wants to know if she can now call you "daughter".  I said yes.

Woohoo!!!!

Online Personal Ads

I met The Girl through an online personals ad.  You may recall, if you're a long-time reader, that I agonized over what to say in my ad about my transsexuality.  In the end, I decided complete honesty was the best approach.

I had two ads, at the time -- one on Match.com (the one where I met The Girl) and Yahoo! Personals.  I just this morning learned that Yahoo! Personals has a new policy that, in my opinion, asks transsexuals to lie if they are pre-operative.  The following is an excerpt from an e-mail that is being circulated:

Your profile is in the wrong category, I have made it active so that you can make this change if you wish to stay with Yahoo! Personals.  Yahoo! Personals does not allow male to female transsexuals' [sic] in the woman's category until you have had the complete surgery nor do we  have a transsexual category, I'm sorry.  If you still want to post a profile with us it will need to be in the men's section.

If you have questions regarding whether or not specific ads are appropriate in Yahoo! Personals, please refer to the Yahoo! Personals Guidelines, located at:

   http://personals.yahoo.com/info/guidelines.html

You are welcome to either submit a new ad, or edit the existing ad so that it is compliant with the Yahoo! Personals Guidelines.

I wonder how they define "the complete surgery"?  Is it the same definition for FTMs?  How will they police the trans-folk that choose to not disclose?  What other things do they police?  How do you suppose such a policy came to be, do you think they got complaints from people?

What do you all think of this?  Is this a reasonable policy?

A new class

I just learned of a new course in the fall class offerings.  It meets for a total of 12 hours, over a single week and is called Elements of Advocacy.  It's worth a single credit and is taught by the same professor who taught my 14th Amendment class, Mark Rosenbaum. It's a "profpick" class, which means I have to email the professor and convince him that I'm one of the handful of students he should let into this practice simulation course.

Elements of Advocacy: Preparing, Prosecuting and Defending a Civil Rights Case

This course involves intensive instruction in developing a case theory, organizing and presenting facts and selected exercises in case preparation and trial skills. Topics to be covered may include drafting of complaints; oral argument; deposition; direct and cross examination; opening and closing arguments.

I think it will be an awesome week.  I hope I get in, despite the fact that it cuts my summer down by a week.  It will be, after all, my final semester and this is why I came to law school.

Happy Birthday, Jami!

Drop by Not THAT Different and wish my good friend Jami a happy birthday.  She's __ years old (I don't have her permission to tell and I understand that once you reach a certain milestone it's customary to begin counting backwards, which would only make her 55 or so, so I had to leave that space blank).  (Update -- I just learned that it *is* ok to say that she's the same age as dirt)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JAMI!

Father's Day

First and foremost, allow me to wish my step-dad, Augie, a happy Father's Day.  As I have reported in the past, he is an exceptional individual, a loving and caring man and I'm proud (and damn lucky!) to have him in my family.

Next, I'd like to wish a happy Father's Day to all my blog readers (men and women) who identify as dads.

Finally, I want to make this all about me.

Father's Day is always an interesting day for me and causes me to endure deep emotional swings.  On the one hand, of course, I reflect upon my children and am so proud I could pop (c'mon now, I know it's not the best pun ever, but ya gotta give me one, once in a while).  All three of my daughters will graduate college this year.  All 3!!!  I helped them as best as I was able financially and emotionally, but they deserve most of the credit.  They all got scholarships that covered at least their tuition and they all worked while in school (related post: Entitlement Generation).  Two of them already have jobs lined up for after graduation and the third has been accepted for grad school at one of the premier programs for her field in the country.

On the other hand, I really miss them.  They are of an age now when they don't need their parents as much as they used to. They have lives now that demand their complete attention.  So, I hear from them infrequently.  The two younger ones used to maintain blogs as a way of helping me to keep up with them, but their lives have gotten so hectic that they don't even do that anymore (who am I to bitch about that -- I've been posting so sporadically this past month for the same reason).

And, of course, my readers all understand the deep wound in my heart by having had my oldest child reject me completely, telling me I was no longer her father and no longer allowed in her life.  It does not matter how thoroughly I understand the trials she's faced or the space from which she's coming.  Sometimes, it's just all about me.  And, during those times, I miss her so badly that I cry inconsolably.  Father's Day is one of those days for me.

Trans folk lose people, loved ones, from their lives all the time.  I am not unique in this.  People feel betrayed, let down.  Someone they thought they knew turns out to be different than they imagined and it's just too much for them to bear.  But knowing that I'm not alone in this loss makes it no easier.  Indeed, if anything, it makes is worse. 

I cry out that I am still me, I am still your father, my love for you has not changed (and it never will).  But my cries are unheard.  One never recovers from the loss of a child.  I am just grateful that she is still alive and thriving and grateful for her sisters and for the periodic updates they give me on her. 

I love you, my children.

Punching bag

Are there really people like this?  Can this be a serious question? From today's Arizona Daily Star:

DEAR ABBY: I recently met a gorgeous woman I'll call "Giselle." After we had dated for a couple of months and became physically involved, she told me she had had gender reassignment surgery and used to be a man! I was, to say the least, shocked and deeply disturbed.

I did not punch out Giselle as I would have liked to - which brings me to my question. What is the etiquette regarding physically confronting someone like that? Is it the same as hitting a girl? We're roughly the same size. - Distressed in Virginia

Aside from the obvious absurdity of the question, several things occur to me in reading this.  First, of course, is the deep-seated hate and fear that we, as transsexuals, seem to engender in people. He was "to say the least" shocked -- and! -- "deeply disturbed". Yeah, he's disturbed, all right.  Notice how he feels compelled to start off his question by telling everyone how "gorgeous" she was.  And, my god, he was attracted to her!  And, he liked her so much -- presumably her personality and apparently her other attributes as they had become "physically involved" -- that he dated her for several months.  Why does he tell us all this?  Why is this important?  Couldn't his question have been phrased simply: "I went out with someone who I found out was a transsexual and I really wanted to hit [her]"?  But, he felt compelled to tell us that he had been "fooled" because, heaven knows, he would never willing go out with a man, or anyone who had such a history! 

We have built such fear into our culture.  This guy is pathetic, but he's a product of his times.  I feel sorry for us.

Abby's response:

DEAR DISTRESSED: Because Giselle is now a female, it would, indeed, have been the same as hitting a girl, and I'm glad you restrained yourself. I have a feeling that she was probably more hurt that you stopped seeing her than any physical blow you might have inflicted.

As to the "etiquette" regarding hitting her, if you hit someone of either gender, it is assault and battery - or possibly worse - and it's a crime that can land you in jail.

My response: You're a homophobic and transphobic idiot; get a life.

[UPDATE] Well, perhaps he's just a homophobic idiot, because at least according to "Bitch Boy" from the Washington Blade, he was at serious risk of being gay:

To the male in love with a transgender person: If you make love to a non-op male-to-female transgender man for his penis, you are gay. If you make love to a transsexual who intends on surgery and hates what she was born with, you are straight.

Bitch Boy responds: Thank the goddess someone referenced Webster’s Dictionary of Transgender Dating.

If you think a guy being with a transgender woman is not being gay, hello? They were once a man, and that makes the boyfriend gay.

I guess that makes my spouse a straight woman and not a lesbian, then.  Poor thing.  I doubt she'll ever recover. 

Super heros!

With the recent news that Batwoman is a lesbian and the upcoming release of the new Superman and Spiderman coming out to all the world (not to mention the X-Men's Last Stand), it seemed only apropos that I should stumble across this quiz at Julie's Place, Carter's Little Pill:

You scored as Captain Jack Sparrow. Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com Roguish,quick-witted, and incredibly lucky, Jack Sparrow is a pirate who sometimes ends up being a hero, against his better judgement. Captain Jack looks out for #1, but he can be counted on (usually) to do the right thing. He has an incredibly persuasive tongue, a mind that borders on genius or insanity, and an incredible talent for getting into trouble and getting out of it. Maybe its brains, maybe its genius, or maybe its just plain luck. Or maybe a mixture of all three.

Captain Jack Sparrow 88% Neo, the "One" 79% The Amazing Spider-Man 75% William Wallace 75% James Bond, Agent 007 75% El Zorro 71% Lara Croft 67% Batman, the Dark Knight 54% Indiana Jones 54% The Terminator 50% Maximus 50%

I do NOT need this!

In January of 2001 I awoke not feeling too well.  My middle hurt, in or near my intestines.  But, it wasn't horrible.  I was to attend a party at work that evening, but by the time the evening came, I still felt badly.  So, I decided I couldn't go.  The next morning, I was worse and decided to go see a doctor.  Long story short, it turned out that my Sigmoid Colon had ruptured and I spent the next 9 days in the hospital (much worse agony than anything else I've ever experienced, including my gender confirming surgery).

Now, everytime I get a stomach ache I think of that time and get worried.  I missed work yesterday because I felt so bad -- severe cramps, bloating, etc.  I got up this morning and thought I was better so I showered and dressed for work.  But, I am NOT better. I had to call in sick again today.  I really hate this.  As a precaution, I've located the nearest emergency room.  ::sigh::  I am not a good patient, not good at being sick.

Carnival of Bent Attactions - VII

The 7th Carnival of Bent Attractions is up. It's been up for a week, but I delayed posting about it because I wanted to send even more readers to 2sides2ron.  OK, that's a lie.  I delayed posting it because I was lazy.  Anyway, if you've not read this month's edition you should do so.  It's excellent.  And, as Winter said, you should put a little queerness into your day.

Final Grades

Finally!  Grades from last semester are in.  I am extremely happy with them.  I got my first 'A' (and more!) and ended up with a very nice GPA for the term.  I said, throughout the semester, how much I loved all my classes and it really showed in my grades.  Woohoo!

Our first ... argument

It's been one year since I first met The Girl.  What a fabulous year it's been.  I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have her in my life.  I was not unhappy living alone (something which prior to that I wasn't sure I could ever do) but being with her makes my heart sing.

Last night, we had our first ever disagreement or argument or fight or whatever.  It was the first time we didn't see something eye-to-eye in our relationship where one (or both) of us had hurt feelings.  I'm so glad that we are enough alike that we both apologized and said what was necessary to make it all better.

I'm a very happy, very lucky woman.

To Be or Not to Be -- OUT

A subject that just doesn't seem to go away is the question of how "out" sexual minorities are, or should be.  I am a strong believer in the theory that no one should stand in judgment of another's choice in this regard.  I've even posted about that before.

But, my post last month on how would you react to being asked if you were trans has engendered some significant commentary and nexyjo recently put up her own post about an experience she just had at work.

Queer folk are in an interesting double-bind, I believe.  On the one hand, we're told that people don't care about our sexuality (or gender identity) as long as we aren't in people's faces about it (as long as we don't 'flaunt' it).  On the other hand, we are still at a significant social disadvantage as compared to other groups -- our ability to marry the person of our choice is but one currently topical example.  I believe that it is fairly well accepted that the only way to change that reality is for more people to know someone who's queer -- and in order for that to happen, more people have to be out.  So, while "fixing the system" requires that we as a group become very public and out, the system as it exists currently imposes some significant risk to each individual who chooses to come out.

Add to the not-insignificant-risk of physical danger that queers in general are subject to the increased likelihood of physical attack that transgenders bear and it creates yet another powerful reason to stay in the closet, to stay stealth.  But, of course, if lots of us don't come out and stand proudly before society, that risk will never diminish.

I also believe, as I argued in comments to my "how would you react" post that much of our desire to stay stealth is a function of our own internalized transphobia.  But, I have to admit that I may be speaking only for myself and for no other trans person.  There is little doubt in my mind that I have internalized transphobia.  Sometimes (more often than you might believe), I just don't want to be trans.  I want the whole world with whom I interact to see me only as a woman and not as a trans-woman.  Swimming upstream can be very tiring.

So, finally, I've concluded that, for me, I must be out.  I'm not out to everyone I know, but I also don't make it a project to protect that.  I am privileged.  I am priviliged by the color of my skin and by the sex designator of my birth certificate and by the class in which I was raised.  And, even after transition, I am priviliged by virtue of my education and my ability to get and hold onto a job.  As such, my risk of physical danger -- no matter how out I am -- is greatly reduced as compared to many, even most, transpeople. So, I cannot stand in judgment of them.  But, again, for me, it is important that I be out, that I do what little I can to help ease the way for the next generation.

Donna points out that June is Gay Pride Month -- and, indeed, there are Pride festivals everywhere.  But, what does it mean to be proud?  How do we manifest that pride?  Can we do so in the closet?