First, I'm sorry I've not been posting the past few days -- my computer died ("fan error") and I don't have it repaired yet; I'm borrowing a friend's computer to write this. Hopefully, I'll have it repaired today (if not, I am going to be one very angry woman). Second, this will be a lengthy post. It speaks to something in my life that I've never really discussed here before, so I'm dedicating a little space to it for those who are interested (hi Mom!).
OK. Over the past months the talk around the law school has, naturally, been all about summer plans -- what firms people were going to work at, what cities people were scattering to, etc. Whenever I was asked that question, I said simply that I was going to "travel". And, indeed, I am. But that's not the whole story.
For the last many years I have weighed the pros and cons of having genital reconstruction surgery ("GRS"). For most of that time, I've believed that the cons outweighed the pros. But, about 6 months ago, I realized that I really wanted it. I never felt that it was necessary that I have surgery to make me "complete"; I truly have only occasional discomfort with my body as it exists (of course, every time I have to use a public toilet or every time I meet someone that I think I might like to get close with with are two of those times). No, for me, the decision to have "the surgery" was mostly practical. (I just re-read that paragraph and realized that it sounds like I used my intellect to the exclusion of my emotions in this decision and that's not an entirely fair characterization. For a very long time, I've felt like I really wanted to have surgery, but I always let my intellect rule against it. I've now simply let my intellect get out of the way).
So what are the arguments against having surgery? First, and foremost, of course, is the fact that it is a highly invasive procedure, one not without risk of complication. The recovery period is 6-8 weeks, and even longer before you can fully exercise your new parts. Why put your body through such major trauma if you don't need to? Secondly, it is very expensive. I will spend over $20,000 to have this little alteration done - to convert me from an outie to an innie. Third, after you've done it, the maintenance is forever (far more maintenance than not having it done; I'll leave it to your imagination). Fourth, it seems to buy into the larger social construct of gender and that annoys me. An acquaintance of mine, Nancy Nangeroni who is profiled in the A&E documentary "Transgender Revolution" (in which, incidentally, I make a small speaking appearance) lives her life fully out and proud as a "non-op" transsexual. I admire her greatly for this. I, on the other hand, first by never discussing this, and then by having surgery, am merely completing the last technical, perhaps legal, perhaps medical (but I can argue against all of those) step to jump from one box to the other but am still staying inside the gender system that society has created. Fifth, most people will never know, one way or the other (unless, I do something silly like publish it on my blog) whether I've had surgery or not. I live my life as a woman. I identify as a woman. I believe that most people with whom I interact see me as a woman (and, if there are any of you out there that know me who see me differently, now is a good time to use the fact that I allow anonymous commenting on this blog to speak up and say so).
So, given all those reasons to NOT have surgery, what are the reasons FOR? There are several and these are not necessarily in order of significance. First, I want to do some more international travel. In our country you cannot be get your sex designator changed on your passport without a letter from a surgeon saying that you've had irreversible gender reassignment surgery. I could get a passport that simply has "male" on it, but I am loathe to do so. In some situations, I think that may even present the possibility of physical danger. Secondly, it does allow me to experience intimate relationships without discomfort about my body. Third, I will no longer have to fear that some person is going to challenge my right or freedom to use the ladies' room. Many people, and some laws, only recognize the right to use the restroom based upon your genital configuration. Fourth, if -- heaven forbid! -- something should happen to me and I got charged with a crime, I don't want to end up in a men's cell, even temporarily. Fifth, if something were to happen to me that would require serious medical intervention, I don't want a paramedic stopping treatment and leaving me to bleed to death, as they did with Tyra Hunter, when they cut open my pants and are surprised by what they find.
I guess that although I see myself as always being an activist, I feel the need to fit in also. This helps me to fit in. And, I'm very happy and very excited (and more than a little scared!).
OK, if you've suffered through this post this long, thank you. I leave in the morning (5/11) for a week in Florida with my girls (and attending Amanda's conversion ceremony!) and my folks and then to Denver for a couple of days with my sister, and then to Trinidad, CO where Dr. Marci Bowers will perform her magic. If you are interested in knowing the address and contact info for me in the hospital, you may write to me and I'll send it to you. I go into the hospital on 5/23, surgery is on 5/24 (prayers, well-wishes, and positive light and energy, and cards are welcome!), I anticipate being released on Memorial Day, 5/30. I will spend an extra couple of days in Trinidad recovering. Then, my middle kiddle will fly out to drive me home. I should be back in Ann Arbor by the 7th of June, or so. I anticipate blogging from the hospital.
