Life, Law, Gender

Happy New Year

So, 2004 comes to an end.  For me, it's not a year I'm sorry to see pass.  The past 12 months have been among the more difficult of my life, and having it capped by this past week seems only fitting.  I have not blogged this week for several reasons, but one of them is that I simply don't like to complain too much, and if I'd have been blogging, it wouldn't have been pretty (and we all know how much I'd like to be pretty!).

I had lunch yesterday with a long-time friend (actually someone I had the pleasure of dating once) and she reminded me that the experience of life is generally little more than mere choice of perception.  We all experience events, factual circumstances.  Then, we fabricate our own little stories about what those events and circumstances mean.  One of the tricks to happiness is creating those stories in a way that is positive to our own well-being. That's tough to do sometimes.  In this past year, I've created some stories surrounding a couple of events (specifically my daughter telling me that I was no longer welcome in her life and my spouse telling me we were going to get divorced) that have not served my greater good.  I told myself that I was a horrible parent and that I didn't deserve to be in love or to be loved.

Well, that's just silly.  I'm a good parent.  In fact, I'm a great parent.  My daughter is suffering from her own issues right now and I have every confidence that she will grow through them and again recognize what she's always known.  And, my marriage and this relationship served the purpose that it needed to serve and now it's just time to move on.  I'm a sweet and generous and kind, loving person.  I am.

So, I choose now to look at the very positive things that have happened for me this year.  I began law school -- and completed my first year -- in the school that I really wanted to attend.  My mom and Augie are still with me and I had the joy of showing them around Ann Arbor and the law school and spending some quality time with them. In fact, since I've moved, I've spent more time talking with her then I did when we lived only an hour apart!  My youngest daughter has been up to visit me twice -- and in fact drove up with me during one trip.  I've made many new friends!!  I've started TransForUM and I've touched people's lives, even some of whom I've never met. 

As wonderful as my life has been, and as good as 2004 was, 2005 is going to totally rock.  I am really excited about this year.  I'm past my 1L year and can now focus on the type of law that I want to study.  I am so excited about this next semester!  I will have my 50th birthday in just 2 months and the school has been gracious enough to give the entire school the week off leading up to my birthday (btw, anyone in Ann Arbor on March 5 is invited to a party to help me celebrate).  I am taking off the summer to enjoy my own agenda.  Can you imagine that?  I will be accountable to NO ONE for anything for an entire 4 months.  I have never experienced that in my entire life.  I hope to travel to both coasts -- I want to visit Massachusetts and California and many places in between.

So, to all of you, I wish a joyous and prosperous New Year and the vision to make it what you want it to be! (is anyone still reading this after my not posting for a week (thanks Transmogriflaw!)?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Merry Christmas

To all my Christian relatives and friends: Merry Christmas!!!

And, to all my non-Christian relatives and friends: Happy Holidays!!!

And, to all the Frog worshipers, Joyeaux WCF!!!

I've not been Christian for many years.  But, I've always loved this holiday.  If we could celebrate this holiday in the spirit for which it was named (at least in my perhaps idealized version of it) how could you not love it? Didn't the man preach love, above all?  I don't know the Christian bible at all, but I thought it was someone in that religion that spoke of love, turning the other cheek, throwing stones only when one was without fault, etc.  What an awesome philosophy! 

My folks and I shared Christmas morning, alone, for the first time since I was a kid.  It was extraordinarily nice (and we exchanged gifts and I am so thrilled with mine (especially these very cute earrings that I am wearing even now)).  Still, it is very odd for me to not have kids around, even my own adultren.   Tonight, I go spend Christmas evening with my soon-to-be ex and step-kids.  I am determined to smile and laugh and have fun (and take all their money, if they rope me into playing poker with them!).

Peace and Love to each and every one of you.

OK, OK, I can take a hint

I am better -- as I knew I would be; as you knew I would be! ;)

To all the people who assured me that I did not fail, let me just say that I deserved to fail.  If I didn't fail, it's only through the grace of a VERY generous curve.  I would wager -- seriously -- that I got the lowest score on the essay part of that exam.  I didn't even write a cogent sentence in the damn thing.  So, thanks for your support (I mean that!) but I know what I did and what I could have done (and at least some idea of what was expected).  Regardless, I do realize that they might just give me a very low grade and not actually fail me.  Fine.  I'll take it.  Next semester -- all A's (well, ok, I'll allow one B).  That's my prediction.  Check back in 4 months.   In the meantime, as further evidence of my lack of ability to think critically, read on.

As for the break -- it got off to a rocky start.  I left Wednesday noon, as I said.  However, by 6:00 that night I was in the midst of a blizzard north of Cincinnati.  I had to pull over.  Fortunately, I managed to get a room at a motel for the night (they said they were giving the maximum discount to everyone because they were filling up so quickly with all the people from the highway).  What, on Earth, made me imagine that I should drive to Florida, during the middle of the winter? The next morning, the people on the television were saying things like "historic storm", "if you don't absolutely HAVE to drive, don't.  Stay indoors."  They were talking about 24" of snow.  That's 2 frickin' feet!  Dumb.  Forget the ConLaw test.  I'm just dumb. Oh, but it gets better.  I couldn't imagine spending my Christmas in that motel room (I didn't even have a playmate with me!).  So, despite all the advice I did my own thing, and left anyway.  It took me 4 hours to travel 60 miles on the highway.  4 hours.  And, it took me all the way through Kentucky before I finally got out of snow.

I spent the night in Atlanta last night.  I made it home to my mom's this afternoon.  Yea.

So, to all of you who offered such warm wishes and support (online and off!!), I thank you.  It is so awesome to have great friends, especially in time of need.

May you all have a joyous and loving holiday season.

Not Blogging

Everything I know about me says that I should not write this post.  I should wait until things look better in the morning -- as they always seem to do.  But, then, I've made a life out of not doing the smart thing.

Lots of bloggers write about the virtues of writing anonymously or not.  I've always maintained that it doesn't matter to me -- I write about what I want to write about, regardless of if it means I have egg on my face.   But, of course, everyone knows it's not true.  No one writes about everything they feel, think and experience.

Things are not, shall we say, perfect for me right now.  I've written before about my marriage coming to an end.  We've been separated for nearly 9 months now and I've known we were going to do the whole divorce thing for over 6 months.  For those past 6 months, I have also known that the Christmas break was when I was to drive back to Florida and clean out the rest of my stuff from my house and "settle up".   For the first time, it won't be my house any longer and I won't be living there anymore; I'll be staying with my parents.   

During the middle of the summer semester it all came to a head and to help me deal with it, I went to a therapist who recommended I do the whole prozac thing (I still have a hard time actually owning the label "depression"; despite its obvious applicability).  And, I have been.  And, it's done good things for me.  But, of course, I still have to actually do the stuff that has to be done this break.  I hate it.  It makes me sad to my bones.

So, just to start this break off on the right foot, I just failed my ConLaw final.  I know there are those of you out there who will dismiss that.  I assure you, if I did NOT fail it, it is only because I managed to get really lucky on the multiple choice (and everyone else managed to get really unlucky).  It's a real shame, too, because I really liked that class and I really paid attention in it and did the reading and thought I understood it.

My kids are spending Christmas with their maternal grandparents in Colorado.  In 3 days it will be the one year anniversary of when my daughter told me that I was no longer welcome in her life. 

I am incredibly depressed right now.  I apologize for sharing that all out in the open here.  But, it is what I do.

So, I'm going to get up in the morning, I'm going to pack my car, and I'm going to set off for Florida. I am going to spend some quality time with my mom and Augie.  I will not be blogging for a while.  School starts in the middle of next month.  I intend to try and not think about law school, or divorce, or missing my kids.  I am going to play music, loud.  And, I'm going to sing.  And, I'm going to put 2004 behind me.  When my attitude shapes up, maybe I'll be back.

Carolyn, line up some good bars.

Is it too late for a panic attack?

My last final for this semester begins in 9 hours.  Up until about 9 hours ago, I was feeling pretty confident in my understanding of ConLaw.  Then I met a classmate for a final walk through of the exam the prof distributed.

I'm thinking maybe I should have just ignored the damn thing.  I seriously had no fricking clue how to approach half of those questions.  Talk about freezing up.   Still, I have re-read my notes, I've reviewed a couple of outlines and I've talked through that exam with my friend.  It's 11 PM.  I seriously doubt that there is much more I can "learn" between now and the exam starting at 8.

I wonder if convenience store clerks get benefits?

A Dodge Mini-Van?

Should I comment on this (2nd story) or just leave it to y'all to figure out what I think:

Cheers to the curmudgeonly spirit of Christmas!

Feeling the spirit of the Advent season as well, Rev.  Lou Sheldon of the busybody Traditional Values Coalition made time to send a note to newspaper editors last week. The good Rev. is all het up as usual, and this time it's over "the IRS decision to permit tax deductions for so-called 'sex change' operations.'

This is not an element of the tax code that had been on my radar screen, admittedly.  [You mean not everyone thinks about this?  Did they cover this in tax law? - Ed.]

And I think it's on Sheldon's mind during the hustle-bustle and the occasional spiritual moments that define American Christmas for one reason and one alone: it gives him a chance to use the silly old slur term "homo.'

"Your agency is aiding in the homo-trans effort to undermine the biological realities of male and female,' Sheldon wrote to the IRS's commissioner. Then he gets off his little joke: "A man can no more become a woman than he can become a Dodge Minivan.' Heh, heh. Good one, Rev. Merry Christmas to you, and best of luck finding bigger things to get het up about in the New Year.

Nah.  You're smart people, you can figure out what I think. ;)

Winter?

Winter starts ... when?  4 degrees is just cold.  Very cold.

A nothing post

This is a post about nothing. Don't read it.  Go back to your regularly scheduled activity.  I am posting merely because a) my mother says that if I don't call her every day then I at least need to post on my blog (and even then, calling every day would be great) and 2) PG laid a guilt trip on me.

I feel better today.  I even managed to make it out of my house for 40 minutes yesterday (I had a nail appointment that I had forgotten!  thank goodness I live close to the salon so that I could be there in 5 minutes when she called.  Of course, that ignores the fact that, since the salon shares a parking lot with a mall it took me 30 minutes to find a parking space -- I do not heart Christmas shoppers). 

I walk into the salon and there is one of my classmates getting her hair done.  Cool.  I had referred her, and you always worry when you send someone to a stylist that you like. But, this is her second visit, so I guess she liked her too.   Anyway, they told me that they had just been talking about me (I thought my ears were burning) because I had taken off for a few days before exams began.  So, this morning, when I re-read my last post and saw the comment about "down-time" I thought -- hmmm, that sure sounds like I need a lot of time off if I need to take time off before exams and then need 'down-time' in the middle of exams!  Which, when juxtaposed against the comments of "everyone" (teachers, admin, 2&3 Ls, etc.) saying how brutal going 3 semesters in a row (Summer, Fall & Winter) can be it makes me laugh.  I am used to working 12 months a year.  And, as you already know, I don't take this whole law school thing overly seriously (boy, that doesn't sound right; I wonder if that is grammatically correct?). 

Now, if I could just learn to apply that same mentality/philosophy to my relationships -- which I take way too seriously! -- I'd be a much happier woman.

OK, do you think I've rambled aimlessly enough to satisfy everyone's needs (including my need to procrastinate cleaning this apartment, doing laundry and dishes and, of course, studying for my final ConLaw exam on Tuesday)?

A blessing?

One bad thing about not feeling well -- especially not feeling well in your stomach -- is that you can't really do anything else.  At least I can't.  I've done NOTHING productive today.  I haven't studied, I haven't eaten (of course), I haven't even gotten dressed.  I had to postpone dinner plans with a friend.  ::pout::  I hate feeling un-well.  I can't even say that I feel sick.  Just un-well.  And that makes me lethargic and un-motivated.  Today is an un-day.  Maybe I should have un-cola and watch television and stop fretting about what I'm NOT getting done.

Some might suggest this is a blessing, designed to give me a little "down-time".  Well, if it is, it's well disguised.  Yuck. 

Timing is everything

I finished my take home yesterday.  I turned it in with 10 minutes to spare and 46 words short of the maximum limit.  I learned one really valuable lesson - take-homes are hard.  Because you have so much time, you feel that you need to be thorough in your analysis and crisp in your presentation.  The way I write, that takes a lot of time.  3,500 words is approximately 10 pages (1 1/2 spaced).  24 hours (yes, I did sleep for 8 of them) was enough time -- but barely.  On the other hand, if we'd have been given 48, I would have taken 48 and filled it.  Maybe a 6 hour take-home would have been better. 

I went out to dinner and then for drinks afterward with a friend.  I didn't have that much to drink and I was home and in bed by 1.  Yet, I woke up early this morning with a terrible stomach ache.  I have much I want to do this weekend, but right now -- I'm just glad I have wireless access so that I can work from the bathroom!  I still have one more exam (on Tuesday, ConLaw); I can't be sick now.

Surrounding yourself

Carey posts some thoughts on the advantages of surrounding yourself with good people.  Normally, I would just comment on his site, but he's still having problems with his comments.

He's right, you know.  Surrounding yourself with positive people, people with a can-do attitude and a belief that things are good and are going to be even better (even while dealing with the current things that keep them from being better at the moment) is one of the absolute keys to success, in whatever way you define it.

I've had the opportunity and privilege of having hired many people over the course of my career.  I never once shied away from hiring someone who was smarter than me or more experienced in some aspect of the job.  In fact, I looked for those people. 

Even now, although I can bitch and moan with the best of them, my closest friends on earth always find a way to direct me back to the positive.  I try and return that favor wherever I am able. 

It's even better than good enough for government work.

Integrity

I, along with the rest of my section, just received an e-mail from our ConLaw professor saying that it had come to his attention that an old exam of his was floating around.  He noted that it was clearly a violation of the law school's Rules of Conduct and the honor code under which the exam was initially distributed.  Consequently, in an effort to "level the playing field", he sent the exam out to everyone.

I am so disappointed by this, on so many levels.  I didn't want that copy.  Had anyone offered me the illegitimate copy, I would have refused.  And, of course, I can opt to not look at the one the prof sent out.  But, why is anyone faced with this dilemma?  I am not blind to the importance of grades.  I'm not.  But, it disappoints me that such intelligent and accomplished people don't see that integrity is so much more valuable and will, ultimately, bring rewards far greater than the edge they may have gained by looking at an illicit exam.

Take-home

Today I pick up a take-home final for Criminal Law.  We have 24 hours to complete it and turn it in.  I've never taken such an exam before.  My first instinct is that it's pretty cool.  I write well enough, and I've paid attention (mostly) in class and I did over 75% of the reading.  Plus, I've got my text book.  How could I NOT pass such an exam? 

On the flip side, though, is the awareness that everyone has the same advantage.  It must be even more difficult to grade a take-home exam.  Surely, everyone gets the major points hit.  I would suspect that most get even the major nuances.  So, what's left to distinguish between an A and B?  Probably organization, writing style (the ability to effectively and succinctly communicate those points) and a more thorough network of nuance analysis. 

I had planned to pick it up first thing this morning as I tend to be more of a morning person and tend to fade in the mid-late afternoon.  However, someone suggested to me that it might be better to pick it up a bit later (say, early afternoon) and take a first cut at it, do initial research and sketch out an answer. Then, put it away, relax for an hour or two and go to bed.  Get up early and take the remaining hours (between 4 and 6 hours) and polish it all up.  That is my current plan.

This should be interesting.

Exam 1 -- done

I feel fairly confident that those readers of this blawg who are also law students (I suspect the great majority of readers, all 9 of them) will not care if I have not posted much in the past couple of days or don't post much in the next couple of days, as they will themselves be immersed in the end of semester ritual known as exams.  For those that have blawgs themselves, I imagine the blogging will be light as well (especially since, like me, they may not have been reading other blogs much either).  On the other hand, if you're not a law student and you read my blog (hi Mom!) just bear with me; I'll be back.

Over the past couple of days I have managed to study Civil Procedure in some detail.  I've read the hornbooks (well, selected parts anyway), I've reviewed old exams, I've studied outlines (commercial and student prepared) and I've met with another classmate to discuss issues and questions.  Plus, I attended a two hour review session hosted by the prof.  Consequently, I was feeling pretty good going into the exam.  You will recall, I'm sure, that for me "feeling good" means that I know I will pass.  And, now that it's over, I'm certain that I did pass.  I thought it was an easy exam.  That, of course, is a sign of certain trouble.  The purpose of law school exams is to test your ability to see beyond the easy stuff, the superficial stuff, and get to the underlying competing issues.  I certainly did some of that, but not nearly as much as I suspect actually existed on that exam.  Consequently, I believe that I passed, but I also believe that I will be in the lower half of the curve.

That's perfectly fine with me.  I'm so glad this particular exam is over; it is the one I worried about most.

Exams?

OK.  I have to confess to the awareness that exams begin on Tuesday.  Considering it's already Saturday Sunday, I guess I had better quit this playing stuff and start thinking about Civil Procedure.  So, I'm going to bed now.  I'm going to sleep with my CivPro outline under my pillow -- that should do it, don't you think? ;)