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Mar 27, 2006
PDA - Double-bind
In the last post, I mentioned that the girl and I weren't overly affectionate in public and I noted that it was her choice and not mine. Since then, I've been thinking a bit more about public displays of affection.
It seems to me that, if we (the LGBT community) are ever going to overcome discrimination, we need to a) shed our own adoption of homophobia and/or transphobia and b) be willing to take some public risks.
When we first started going out together, the Girl would not hold my hand in public at all. Then, she softened up a bit and would only not hold my hand if there were children present. Now, she holds my hand everywhere, except in certain places (like the resturant referred to in the previous post, or in places that she feels like are particulary homophobic).
My contention is that if we don't hold hands in front of children, it's because we have, ourselves, internalized some homophobia such that we think it's not ok for children to see affection between people of the same sex. I'm OK with not kissing in public places as I think heterosexual couples should curb that as well. But, holding hands? I actually think we should make a point of holding hands (protected free speech (as expressive conduct) under the 1st Amendment) in public, especially in front of children. How else will people learn?
Yes, it carries some risk. Sadly, we don't live in a loving country, one that is accepting of affection between gay men or lesbians. There is the risk of being subjected to stares, ridicule and name-calling, or worse. But, again, how else will society ever change if we aren't willing to put ourselves out there, even in this little area?
10:16 AM in Gay civil rights | Permalink
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Comments
great post
Posted by: | Mar 27, 2006 11:36:18 AM
WOW...two comments in one day. I agree completely with this statement. If I don't stand up and be proud of who I am, how can I expect anyone else to be proud of who I am either? My girlfriend is traditionally femme and everyone is always shocked when she tells them she's gay. I, on the other hand, am not so femme and tend to suprise few people. When we're together, we get a lot of stares and some serious gawkers and the typical guy who thinks "cool, lesbians!" However, we change the way our neighbors, co-workers and families think by being who we are every day regardless of the situation. I can't think of a better way to impact those who have NO input into the gay culture other than the media or the church than to see two people who love each other and lead rather normal lives that probably parallel theirs more than they would like to think.
Posted by: BC | Mar 27, 2006 12:19:37 PM
I agree with your thoughts on this. Although I am fortunate enough to live in NYC in a very liberal, gay neighbourhood, there have definitely been a lot of times in my life when I've been afraid to engage in PDA. I think this has been mainly due to not feeling safe from others, but certainly there has been some internalized homophobia as well. It took getting a very publicly affectionate partner to get over it.
I would add one caveat, however. Sometimes we don't do PDA because the same kinds of PDA between heterosexuals annoy us. Holding hands, hugging and brief kisses are okay, but making out in public or more is just rude (unless you're in the kind of setting where that's encouraged). My gf saw a heterosexual couple getting too schmoopy at the gym one time, and the trauma prompted her to forbid me to even kiss her on the cheek there from that day forward!
Posted by: Da Nator | Mar 27, 2006 12:43:16 PM
Denise:
I cannot comment on this issue directly because I don't have anyone with whom I can hold hands. My gf doesn't like it so it isn't done.
I can do some public thing that we all can do and that's to acknowledge our selves in the proper venue. Being TG and being understood or at least acknowledged by the public in a way that's not threatning is far in the future (years) but our presence and our actions are the only way that we can make the public aware of our presence and the fact that we are not bad. There are many ways to do this. Denise, you are a leader in this approach. We can take a page from your play book and make progress where we can and in the way in which we're comfortable. Hiding our gift is not an option for the long term if we are to gain any sort of mainstream acceptance of the thoughtful people that we meet.
Sally
Posted by: Sally Mcdade | Mar 27, 2006 2:41:45 PM
